The Question of Achieving

When the question of what I'm going to do after graduation came up during a chat with a friend, he commented that people probably wouldn't mind if I just stayed at home and did not work.

"That's just the public opinion of this small society," he said, referring to himself. I had told him how hard it was when I tried to find work during my year off from college. Then he asked, "Do your parents expect you to work? Are you pressured to find work?"

"No, I don't think I'm pressured." I said. "I understand why some people would accept me as a stay-at-home girl-with-severe-disability, but when you consider how my family pours in tens of thousands of dollars to hire a full-time caretaker for me, and how much it cost for all the special transportation and whatnot, wouldn't you feel a little guilty if you just stayed at home and not work, and have your parents take care of you for the rest of your life?"

"I didn't realize it cost so much to hire a caretaker." He said. "So yes. But still, I'm sure some people will still find it okay for you not to work."

Being Disabled

I agreed, because in Taiwan I know many people with physical disabilities who make a living making handicrafts from their homes or selling lottery tickets on the streets. Others simply do not work at all. Most live with their parents or siblings and receive meager subsidies each month from the government. In the eyes of the society, that is how disabled people live; there is no need to look surprised.

Later that night, I told my friend that, growing up, I have always had the urge to prove people wrong--to show them that I can do more and achieve more than just making the minimum wage and owning a bank account with the government's money in it. In a way, I truly believed I could. After all, I am a globetrotter who has lived in Singapore and America and who has communicated successfully with the French, Italians, Germans, Swiss, and the Spanish on at least one occasion. If and when I graduate, I will hold a degree from a well-known university in Taiwan, and my report card will confirm my status as cream of the crop. I should have many more doors opened to me than most people with disabilities, or even those without... But I have doubts--serious doubts--because I cannot imagine it; I cannot imagine what it's like to be successful because, quite frankly, I don't know if I want to be.

Achieving

Now, you have to understand: I have long struggled between achieving what I want and thanking people for helping me achieve. This is no small task, considering how dependent I am on other people and how much love I've received from my family and friends. I would describe myself as rather sensitive, and so when I have so many people loving me and helping me, I can easily feel overwhelmed. It's the emotions, you see. The only thing is, well, usually I get overwhelmed with guilt.

Some may not see the connection between guilt and a mediocre career, but I do. In an age like ours when marketing yourself is the first step to garnering a good spot in the workplace, a person with serious self-doubts simply do not sit well with the heads. Who wants a girl anyway who is always preoccupied with trying not to disturb her colleague in the next cubicle while all the while devising ways to pick up the sticky note with her toes? She hasn't learnt to draw the line between her needs and the needs of others, and that is the problem; I believe her overcompensation is the reason she does not achieve.

Fear

After all the analysis, I have to say that I still don't quite have the answer to whether I should be expected to work or not. There is of course the obvious question of whether a certain job or office would be able to accommodate my needs. But then the other question remains: Do I want and believe and choose to be competitive and responsible for my success? As Franklin D. Roosevelt famously said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Am I hindered by my circumstances? Or am I just afraid to succeed? It is up to my choice, I guess, but it is a tough choice. I'll have to think more about it tonight. Good night.